Attending this meeting: The school’s two teachers (myself and J.L.), school board president Danny, and The Mayor. The following is a transcript made from the recording of the meeting (along with a couple small additions the recording missed).
[shuffling of papers]
Danny: [yelling into the tape recorder] Is this thing on?!? Is this thing on?!?
[Danny stops the recorder, rewinds it, and hits play.]
Recorded Danny: [yelling loudly] Is this thing on?!? Is this thing on?!?
Me: I say…yes.
[Danny glares at me, hits stop on the recorder, and hits record.]
Danny: [talking directly into the recorder] Okay, okay, we’re ready to…
The Mayor: [takes the recorder away and puts it on the table] Hey, man, this isn’t some giant Vegas lounge lizard microphone. It’s a tape recorder with a omnidirectional mic. Just lay back and give it some chillin’ space.
Danny: Fine. Okay, I officially bring this meeting of…
Me: Officially?
J.L.: Yeah, you know, um, is there anything at all official about this? I’m not sure what this meeting is about, or why The Mayor picked us three to be at the meeting, or why if the four of us are at a meeting why Cindy isn’t joining us too, and Betsy, and Wagner, and…
The Mayor: Dude? Dude? Dude, just, just…dude? Just…relax.
Me: No, no, duuude, you need to let us know why in the world you needed to talk to us outside the confines of a normal school board meeting? You know, I have a life, I have lot going on that I could…
[All three look at me skeptically.]
Me: Hey, hey, finishing the new Langewiesche essay in the Atlantic Monthly is absolutely having a life. I’ve already learned so much I didn’t already know about local Sri Lankan politics…
J.L.: Okay, I don’t care if this is official or not, we’re taking a binding vote right now. How many people believe that my sister has a life, aye or nay?
The Mayor: Nay.
Danny: Nay.
J.L.: Nay.
[All three look at me.]
Me: [sigh] Abstain.
J.L.: Okay, now that we have that important piece of business settled, Mayor, can you please let us know why in the world we’re all here?
The Mayor: Righteous. Okay, dudes, I am trying to do better at my speaking in front of people, so I wrote this all down so I could talk all better and such. [He pulls a crumpled piece of paper from his pocket and alternates reading from it and explaining it.] Okay. “Hello, Mr. School Board President and Mr. and Miss Teachers. ” Dudes, I mean I know you dudes already know who you are, but I’m taking a public speaking class at Nebraska, and my professor told us we always need to say who it is we’re talking to, and she’s hot, so I’m doing what she says. “I am the mayor of Bradford, Nebraska.” She also said that we have to always say who it is that is me speaking, and she’s hot, so…anyway, dudes. “I am happy to be speaking to you today.” See, my hot professor says that it’s a good idea to…
J.L: Oh, forget you and your sexy teacher! [He steals the paper out of The Mayor's hand and skims it. Halfway down, he slowly getting angrier and angrier.] What? What? What, you’re…no! Even if you wanted to, you can’t, at least not without…no, wait, you can? No, no, no, no, there’s no way you have the power…
The Mayor: Dude, yes I do, but if we could just…
[J.L. throws the paper at the Mayor and leaves. I pick it up, read for a while, then start softly crying. As calmly as I can, I leave the room, leaving the paper behind. There's a long pause, then Danny eventually picks up the paper.]
Danny: [with fake enthusiasm] Boy, am I looking forward to reading this!
The rest of this next time…
